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And Still My Heart Will Choose to Say

Rule #7: It’s okay to not be okay.

I’ve used that rule before, but in very different circumstances. Today, I have to be honest: I am not okay. I’m sad. I’ve held it together throughout this whole Coronavirus saga, but today, I’m losing it. We should be celebrating Easter in such a different way. We should be getting out of church right now, taking our annual Easter photos in our new Easter outfits. We should be heading home to rest up before heading out to see our family and continue celebrating this beautiful day. Instead, we are watching (yet another) episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in our pj’s.

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We watched church online, did an indoor egg hunt because of the rain, and ate a yummy Easter breakfast. But now, that’s it. It’s too quiet. It’s too still. It’s too much the opposite of the Easters we have grown used to.

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I’m beyond grateful to have our family at home and safe. I’ve been a ball of anxiety with this respiratory virus going around when Corey has asthma. I’ve been worried that I need to spray Lysol on every Amazon package or HEB bag when they arrive at the house. Even the thought of our four year old on a ventilator is enough to scare me into submission and keep everyone at home.

My heart breaks for all those who are celebrating Easter alone in a hospital room because they can’t have visitors during this pandemic. My heart breaks for those on the front lines of this invisible battle who are not able to be with their own families for fear of spreading the virus. But my heart also breaks for the loss of the way of life we once had (at least for now), and especially today, Easter Sunday.

I’ve mourned some major losses before. I’ve fallen to my knees singing the song, “Blessed Be Your Name” more times than I can remember. Today I found myself doing the same thing:

“You give and you take away.

You give and you take away.

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be your name.”

It seems so silly and even selfish to be sad today. But, I am. I’m sad. And yet I am still choosing to praise God for all He has given and still continues to give. I’m choosing to be grateful for Christmas elf pj’s we’ve now decided to call The Easter Elf. I’m choosing to be grateful for the look of excitement on Corey’s face when he sees his new Rescue Bot in his Easter basket. I’m choosing to be grateful for Jon’s corny dad jokes as tears stream down my face. I’m choosing to be hopeful for a future that I pray will look so much better than today.

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Easter is all about new life, revival, resurrection, and grace. It’s not lost on me that we are celebrating this holiest of days in the middle of such a difficult time. How very poignant it is that we not only celebrate God’s ultimate show of love for us at the same time we mourn His suffering on the cross. His story of loss is full of pain, suffering, and loneliness. He carried His cross physically, as we must now carry ours metaphorically. Even if all our cross entails these days is keeping our families safe, healthy, and sane by staying at home… it’s a cross to bear. Sometimes that cross gets heavier than other times, and today I feel like I need to put it down.

So, if you’re feeling full of joy and not at all sad today, I’m very glad for that! If, however, you’re feeling a little like me, I hope you know you’re not alone. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be down. It’s okay to not be okay. I hope you will still choose to say, “Lord, blessed be your name.”

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